After losing the love of life in a sudden tragic motorcycle accident I have felt a loss of myself as well. Timothy was my best friend and his presence in my life blessed me and our boys in every way.
This blog is simply a way to share information and feelings during this grief journey and I am praying this process will allow me some healing and if it can help even one person along the way, then mission accomplished!!
After spending time with the boys, and I realize
that we rely on the memories of Tim to help us move through this time of our
lives. I find myself feeling anxious
that I will lose my memories of him. I
don’t want to forget ANY of those moments.
I worry I will forget the sound of voice or his touch. I don’t
want to let any of it go. When I think
of moving on without him, I feel VERY
defiant. Acceptance is obviously still a challenge for
me and this goes back to my point that the stages of grief really are just
guidelines on what you MIGHT experience.
"Death leaves a heartache difficult to
heal; Love leaves sweet
memories no one can steal."
Day to day… different
emotions occur spontaneously, and sometimes multiple in one day. One thing I can tell you is that the during
the process of grief, these emotions do not occur in a predictable order. My emotions are random, sometimes
overwhelming, and completely unique to my personal relationship. After speaking with my sons, what they are
grieving is separate and unique to them.
How we react and emote changes day to day truly demands patience. During grief, patience comes slowly.
even after a year as I slowly start going through Tim’s belongings. I was patiently waiting for a natural calm
emotional state before cleaning out. I
am still not convinced I am ready but one step at a time. I work at for an hour or so then I have to
Tim loved his
shoes. He would keep them in boxes and
after each wear, clean them and then return them to the boxes. I have tons of nike boxes in my closet with
shoes I can’t wear. Why? Having his things with me sadly still brings
me some comfort, like he is still with me.
I will take it little
by little. It is still very difficult as
emotions well up constantly.
I found this and thought it may hit home for
others that may be going through a loss of a loved one.
Myths and Facts About Grief
The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact:Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only
make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your
grief and actively deal with it.
It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact:Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss.
Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or
friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them
If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact:Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only
one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may
simply have other ways of showing it.
Grief should last about a year.
Fact:There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it
takes can differ from person to person.
Best advise I can give...... Be kind to yourself though this journey.
Even if you have never lost someone close to you, we all know
how it feels to be in a very difficult time.
Words of encouragement can uplift a person’s spirits. I have referred back to sympathy cards/messages
as reminders to myself. If you personally knew the person that passed, I
would recommend adding a memory you have.
This also helps the person know that their loss is unique to their
specific relationship. Every loss is
different and every relationship is different so every person will grieve differently. When grieving memories are the only thing
left. Those thoughts/prayer and
encouragement of strength and resilience through this difficult time are often the
best thing you can offer.
The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Not sure about this but I feel it is a good guideline. I have experienced ALL of these but not in this order and sometimes at one time. I seriously oscillate from one stage to the other, often swinging back and forth between happy and sad, angry and calm. (Sometimes in one day) Grief is defined as “deep sorrow” . For me, depression is only one part of it. From the day of his accident I have experienced anxiety and this is brand new to me. It truly is like entering into a life as a new person and I just want things to go back to “normal”. When I ask to go back, the answer is always NO…… I think this is the most difficult to accept.
Today, I was thinking back to the beginning of our relationship and remembered how hopeful I was. I remembered that the hope I had in the beginning turned to pure JOY. The love I received from Tim brought me JOY. I AM grateful for that love. Loving someone unconditionally is wonderful and losing that person brings unimaginable heart break. I think that is the price you pay for experiencing JOY. I would not take back any moment I was blessed enough to experience with Tim and in retrospect the price is worth it. Now, knowing this and making choices for my life going forward, I will always think twice because paying that price again may take me under. Maybe tomorrow I will feel different???
I think I expected to
feel better after that first year, as if I have reached some sort of
significant milestone that would change
things for me. I think I expected that grief will ease as the second
year begins. So far this is NOT true and
is making me feel very unsettled. Point of advise… NEVER set expectation while
in grief! I have truly been
trying to adjust and find different ways of learning to survive. As time goes
by, by nature there is diminished social support, financial instability and the
most important for me a struggle to maintain by faith. In the flash of a moment, everything changed
and I still shake my head in disbelief that “THIS” is my life. Maybe tomorrow will show me different?
I have had a revelation: Surprisingly, I have come to have a intimate relationship in the past 7 months. A very unexpected and unwelcomed one. I have an intimate relationship with my grief. I wake up in the morning and it is there in bed with me. Against every wish, I rise and the grief is in my bones, sharing my breakfast. Off to work, it sits in the passenger seat like we are one. School events, grief is there as I cheer and I as suppress my anger. Quiet moments are the worst, grief lays over me and I can not hold the tears back. With every song, smell, movie, meal and sound it is there. Every key in the door, grief greats me and reminds me of it presence with silence. Closing my eyes, still there waiting for sunrise and another day to share. The most intimate worldly relationship I have every known was ripped away and now there is ....... God and I cling to his robe and ask for mercy.