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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Defiance in Grief

After spending time with the boys, and I realize that we rely on the memories of Tim to help us move through this time of our lives.  I find myself feeling anxious that I will lose my memories of him.   I don’t want to forget ANY of those moments.   I worry I will forget the sound of voice or his touch.    I don’t want to let any of it go.  When I think of  moving on without him, I feel VERY defiant.    Acceptance is obviously still a challenge for me and this goes back to my point that the stages of grief really are just guidelines on what you MIGHT experience.

"Death leaves a heartache difficult to heal;
Love leaves sweet memories no one can steal." 

Found On A Tombstone in Ireland, dated 1889:

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Day by Day

Day to day…  different emotions occur spontaneously, and sometimes multiple in one day.  One thing I can tell you is that the during the process of grief, these emotions do not occur in a predictable order.  My emotions are random, sometimes overwhelming, and completely unique to my personal relationship.   After speaking with my sons, what they are grieving is separate and unique to them.   How we react and emote changes day to day truly demands patience.   During grief, patience comes slowly.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Sorting through....

Overwhelming feelings even after a year as I slowly start going through Tim’s belongings.   I was patiently waiting for a natural calm emotional state before cleaning out.   I am still not convinced I am ready but one step at a time.   I work at for an hour or so then I have to stop.

Tim loved his shoes.   He would keep them in boxes and after each wear, clean them and then return them to the boxes.  I have tons of nike boxes in my closet with shoes I can’t wear.  Why?  Having his things with me sadly still brings me some comfort, like he is still with me.

I will take it little by little.  It is still very difficult as emotions well up constantly.   
One day at a time…..

Friday, July 25, 2014

Myths and Facts About Grief

I found this and thought it may hit home for others that may be going through a loss of a loved one.

Myths and Facts About Grief
MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Best advise I can give......  Be kind to yourself though this journey.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Understanding your grief....

Understanding your grief....

Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Advise for helping someone through grief.

Advise for helping someone through grief.

Even if you have never lost someone close to you, we all know how it feels to be in a very difficult time.  Words of encouragement can uplift a person’s spirits.   I have referred back to sympathy cards/messages as reminders to myself.   If you personally knew the person that passed, I would recommend adding a memory you have.   This also helps the person know that their loss is unique to their specific relationship.  Every loss is different and every relationship is different so every person will grieve differently.  When grieving memories are the only thing left.  Those thoughts/prayer and encouragement of strength and resilience through this difficult time are often the best thing you can offer.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Symptoms of suffering a personal loss

·        WOW did this hit home.   In some way it validates that maybe I am not as crazy as I thought.
I came across this list of symptoms many people share after suffering personal loss:

·         Feels physically drained - Yes
·         Can't sleep at night - Yes
·         Forgetful and unable to think clearly -Yes
·         Noticeable change in appetite -Yes
·         Physical distress such as chest pains, headaches or nausea – not for me
·         Stays extremely busy to avoid thinking about his or her grief – OH Yes!
·         Eats, drinks watches television, etc. excessively – OH Yes!
·         Participates in harmful activities – not for me
·         Senses or dreams about the deceased -  Yes
·         Becomes withdrawn, lonely and apathetic - Yes
·         Frequent sighing and crying – Yes

There have been so many  ups and downs!!!!

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.   Not sure about this but I feel it is a good guideline.   I have experienced ALL of these but not in this order and sometimes at one time.  I seriously oscillate from one stage to the other, often swinging back and forth between happy and sad, angry and calm.  (Sometimes in one day)     
Grief is defined as “deep sorrow” .    For me, depression is only one part of it.    From the day of his accident I have experienced anxiety and this is brand new to me.   It truly is like entering into a life as a new person and I just want things to go back to “normal”.    When I ask to go back, the answer is always NO……    I  think this is the most difficult to accept.  

Saturday, July 19, 2014


Today, I was thinking back to the beginning of our relationship and remembered how hopeful I was.  I remembered that the hope I had in the beginning turned to pure JOY.  The love I received from Tim brought me JOY.   I AM grateful for that love.    Loving someone unconditionally is wonderful and losing that person brings unimaginable heart break.  I think that is the price you pay for experiencing JOY.   I would not take back any moment I was blessed enough to experience with Tim and in retrospect the price is worth it.      Now, knowing this and making choices for my life going forward, I will always think twice because paying that price again may take me under.    

Maybe tomorrow I will feel different???

Thursday, July 17, 2014

I saw this today and felt connected to the words.   Seeing grief through others can be eye opening.

"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies. "
— William Penn

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

One Year Realities....

One year has past.    Okay, now what? 

I think I expected to feel better after that first year, as if I have reached some sort of significant milestone that would  change things for me.  I think I expected that grief will ease as the second year begins.  So far this is NOT true and is making me feel very unsettled.  Point of advise… NEVER set expectation while in grief!

I have truly been trying to adjust and find different ways of learning to survive. As time goes by, by nature there is diminished social support, financial instability and the most important for me a struggle to maintain by faith.   In the flash of a moment, everything changed and I still shake my head in disbelief that “THIS” is my life.

Maybe tomorrow will show me different?

Intimate Relationship with Grief

I have had a revelation:
Surprisingly, I have come to have a intimate relationship in the past 7 months. 
A very unexpected and unwelcomed one.
I have an intimate relationship with my grief.
I wake up in the morning and it is there in bed with me.
Against every wish, I rise and the grief is in my bones, sharing my breakfast.
Off to work, it sits in the passenger seat like we are one.
School events, grief is there as I cheer and I as suppress my anger.
Quiet moments are the worst, grief lays over me and I can not hold the tears back.
With every song, smell, movie, meal and sound it is there.
Every key in the door, grief greats me and reminds me of it presence with silence.
Closing my eyes, still there waiting for sunrise and another day to share.
The most intimate worldly relationship I have every known was ripped away and now there is .......    God and I cling to his robe and ask for mercy.

J Lane