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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Braving the coming weeks

December and only weeks left of 2014….

This is my most favorite time of year. Well, it was my favorite time of year. Hopefully it might become my favorite again some time. Usually, once the air starts blowing crisp I get excited and start thinking of ways to celebrate and decorate.  My fondest for Christmas comes from my beautiful mother.  She would make the holidays so great for our family.   When she passed from cancer the holidays were not the same and then grew tremendously better when children entered the picture.  Nothing like seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes to really understand the blessings of the holidays UNTIL I saw it through the blessed eyes of true love.  All those years of having Tim’s friendship, comfort, abundant love and protection made every holiday only another reminder of how blessed I was.  I wouldn't change anything, I just want to do the holidays with Timothy again.

My thoughts of this time of year have changed along with who I am. Drastically changed. I'm angry, streaked with envy. I feel anxious, eager to just get this all over with already!   I need not to think of next year’s battles, just about how I'll get through the current ones.   I try to find ways to do things to remember Tim, but as time goes by I feel I am the only one.   After he passed, so many reminded me he was not forgotten and now they are fewer and fewer.  

 I let myself have sad and angry moments. Then I try and force myself  to live life.  I just live with grief hanging above me like a dark cloud. Even after a year and half  it isn't getting easier...I'm just getting used to the dark cloud.

My view on life is glazed over with anger and disbelief of this new life.   HOWEVER…  I can see through the cracks of pain that there are things to be grateful for.   Most of all having the blessing of Tim’s presence in my life and experiencing unconditional love.

Here’s to the cracks becoming larger in 2015!