Small steps....

When a woman loses her husband, she is often also losing her best friend, chauffeur, workout partner, or even handyman. Our husbands often fill multiple roles in our lives. Some of the more challenging things I have experienced that I thought may not be so big have been handling problems that come up.   Tim took pride in “taking care” of me in such a way, I did not have to worry about something challenging come up.   Today my anxiety set in when the washing machine stopped working.   Normally, superman would rush in and no worries, but not this time….   It was just me and I got angry as the pressure was turned on.   Good news for me is that I was able to settle down, take a deep breath, say a quick prayer, read the manual and fix the problem    I smiled and high fived myself!   It maybe small for some but it was a small step in the right direction for me.

Resilience

There are so many types of loss…  Death may claim a loved one. A marriage or friendship ends. Health fails. A pet dies. A job is lost.. By my own experience and those around me,  I feel the most painful losses we will ever experience are the deaths of a mate, child, parent, or sibling, or a loss under traumatic circumstances.

The death of your mate means the loss of daily companionship. The loneliness is hardest to bear in the evening and on weekends.  The absence is SO obvious that it is hard to ignore.  (Trust me, I have tried)  As painful as the death of a spouse or partner is, some people who have gone through this process find strength and resilience they didn’t realize they had.  Many have found new causes / charities , etc to get involved in that bring meaning.   Time, in my case has not been my friend but I do feel It is possible to cherish your loved one and memories and also find strength and hope in a new phase of your life.   For me, I am still not sure what this “new” phase is.

Give the Flowers Love

Deciding to productive at home, I went outside to pull weeds and trim flowers/bushes.   Even in what many would consider a very simple task, I was completely overwhelmed.  Tim took such pride in his “green thumb”.  He was an early bird and while the sun came up, he would slip his flip flops on and water, feed, spray and trim the flowers.  In true Tim fashion he would take my hand and bring me away from desk to admire God’s beauty.    I looked at what is now there and the flowers were just as sad as I was.   They were in need of some serious  love.   I walk by them almost every day and I have surely ignored them, just I have ignored many things.  So, I did what needed to be done, I gave the flowers love.  Maybe I should try showing some of that to myself??

Smile because it happened!

Discovering who I am now has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.   I try to keep encouraged by reminding myself that I was blessed to have the time I did and not dwell that I no longer have it.   Easier said than done.....

Angry? Why yes.

During grief it is common and normal to experience anger toward God, the person who died, toward people who say the wrong thing, toward people who don’t say anything at all, and toward the world in general. 

This is something I am struggling with recently.  Watching our youngest pack up and leave for college, I have had strong feeling of anger.   Angry that Tim was not here to be a part of this experience knowing that he would be doing flips in excitement.  Angry that we are left to go on with our lives (now in different directions) without Tim.  I had a nest full and now what?  

So yes, anger.

Road to Recovery

This about sums it up!

Tears have a wisdom all their own. They come when a person has relaxed enough to let go and to work through his sorrow. They are the natural bleeding of an emotional wound, carrying the poison out of the system. Here lies the road to recovery. - F. Alexander Magoun

Finding My Way Through Grief: Showing honor ....

Finding My Way Through Grief: Showing honor ....: Thinking back today and bringing up so many emotions.   I had a vivid memory of Tim's motorcycle "family" coming to support us...

Showing honor ....

Thinking back today and bringing up so many emotions.   I had a vivid memory of Tim's motorcycle "family" coming to support us.  The "family" escorted myself and family to the memorial to show honor and respect for Tim.  Tim had a passion for riding and I envision him being proud and feeling very honored by this gesture.  (Pictures attached)

I find some peace when I am able to do things to honor Tim.   I feel like others are tired of hearing this but for me this really is 24/7.  Superman on my car, superman at home, superman in the yard and superman in my heart.  This really is a huge part of my grieving process.  I want him to know EVERY day that he is missed and loved.   I don't know how else to do this.

TIME...

One thing I never really understood during this past year is the saying I heard many, many times “time will heal”.   Sorry to say, this never helped and for me, has  been my worst enemy.   Time is only minutes that go by.   Time moves you through your life whether you want it to or not.  

I have grown through this walk and realized many things about myself.   I am fragile and have been broken,  but in some ways I have seen strength come from inside that must have been hiding somewhere.  I am resurfacing as a different person.  I know that even though my walk in faith has suffered, God has not forsaken me.

For many, healing comes from God, Friendship, music, poetry, children, animals, etc.  It come from all sources and comes at all different times.  Every person grieving will take their own journey , experience their own healing and work on their own timelines.   Be patient.....

Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.  ~Jacques Prévert

Moving forward....

Making steps to move forward for me is one of biggest hurdles.   It is very difficult to think about going to dinners, weddings, parties alone. It is hard coming home alone.   Dating??  That is funny!   I am naturally not a social person to begin with and it gives me anxiety to make steps to start the process without my number one side kick and social machine (Timothy).  

I take small steps and I am never looking too far ahead!

Moving on is simple, it's what you leave behind that makes it so difficult.
- Anonymous

Improving your body chemistry.

Your body and brain are in a feedback loop: A bad mood makes you tired, which makes your mood worse, and so forth. Interrupt the pattern by getting up and moving around.  Take a walk or eat something healthy.

Physical Effects of Grief

One of the most difficult things for me during this first year was the physical effects that grief has had on my body. Living with grief is hard enough; then, to have all these physical symptoms makes it even more difficult.   My body went through a trauma emotionally when I lost Tim and it went through the ringer physically as well.    Lost weight, gained weight, no energy, no motivation, anxiety, awful sleep patterns and lack of a healthy diet.   In general,  just not feeling well.     I understand this is “normal” but as I sit here at 3:20 in the morning I am wondering when I will make it to the gym and church tomorrow.  Knowing I need both, where will I get the energy or motivation from?