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Tuesday, October 27, 2015


I couldn't sleep last night because I had so many thoughts.   Mostly thoughts of the past because thoughts of the future is way too questionable.   I am becoming a control freak and allowing someone else to influence my life is a very scary prospect right now.  I was with a great man and I lost him.  Being scared forced me into a life in Singleville.  And being single became something I cling to.   Loving someone else means I put myself at risk of feeling this pain again.     Being single feels more safe than being with someone else.    But being by myself for the rest of my life does not sound like a healthy prospect.

I realize that I am still on the roller coaster. Still, after two + years, feeling like I can't really be a widow. Still feeling sort of separate from the rest of the world, as if they're all living normal lives.  I feel like I'm waiting for life to start again, although of course I realize this *is* life. And I still don't know where I'm going to end up.

Lyrics that STILL ring true!    
Waiting for Superman!

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer
A sign lost in the abyss, this metropolis

She says "yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”
She says: "if life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this
Left without a kiss"