Monday, June 8, 2015
I have been told that the feelings of anxiety is normal for those who have survived an intense loss or trauma. Because of Tim’s accident, in my life there are moments, the whole world feels like an unsafe place. There is a “panic” that comes quickly that I can assume is a guarding against more loss. I don't trust my instincts anymore. After all, terrible things are possible and I have personal knowledge of this.
If I can not find the cat right away a begin to panic that he escaped, get stuck somewhere, and die cold and alone and afraid. Or that my dog would get hit by a car, and I wouldn't be there to stop it. If my son does not come home or check in, I will panic that something bad has happened to keep him for reaching out.
Now, I am in the process of looking for a new home to settle down in and I panic that I will not make the right decision. How will I know I can trust myself to make good decisions? I walk through houses and look to see if I can picture my life living out there but I can never shake the feeling of the dreams that Tim and shared for our future. Would we have been happy here? I grieve for Tim, look for him and talk to him everyday.