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Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Moving myself forward.

Over this long and continuing journey I have discovered many things about myself.   Some not so good and some not so bad.    Most importantly, I have learned that in grief part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people.   When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.   With this discovery I can admit I have forever been changed.     Even in the way I  define myself and the way society defines me has changed.   Just the other day I final used the phrase “late husband”.     It feels so unnatural and unreal.   In that moment I thought, wow, is this who I am now?  I still have anger and I still deny my reality at times.  I miss my life that was and have struggled a lot with my life that is.   

On that note……   I have pulled the trigger on moving myself forward!   I have sold the house and will be moving back to Georgia.    This is VERY bitter sweet as the plan was Tim and I would do this move from one phase of lives to another together.   I am have much sadness and anger that I am doing this alone and have excitement that there must be something more for me.   New environment, new roads to take and new memories to make.  Tim’s spirit and the connection that holds us together I will bring with me – the love we had  I will not leave behind..