Grief Triggers

So, here in Central Florida a celebration called “Biketoberfest” just ended.  If you are not familiar, thousands of motorcycle riders roll into the Daytona Beach area for an extended weekend of sun, beaches, entertainment and bikes, bikes and more bikes!

In the past I would be excited for this time of year!  Yeah! It is Biketoberfest.  Now, I stay home and off the roads because it is Biketoberfest.

Well, I miscalculated and decided to plan a road trip to Atlanta in the middle of this huge event.  Driving extra cautiously and at the same time trying to tune them all out.  They would breeze by me with not a care in the world.   They were all enjoying the ride, the moment, the weather and the comradery.  With every mile another trigger is pulled (boom) another memory, another heartache.  It did not matter the type of bike, the color of the bike, the sound of the bike, the speed of the bike or the description of the rider (s).  It was one hit after another.  A couple passes by and I can she her arms wrapped around his waist and those where my arms.  If I close my eyes and still feel that closeness, that bond, and then I remember I will never have that experience again in my life.  I felt angry, anxious and sad all in one moment.  Talk about feeling crazy! I say this to provide one small glimpse into grief.  The triggers are different for everyone but for every person that has experienced a major loss they do exist.  They can be small reminders, but just like that they can put you into a deep grieving space where you are distracted from what you were doing and suddenly find yourself in that space where nothing else matters but your pain.  I believe as humans we crave connections/bonds with each other.  The death of a loved one does not diminish that desire, I believe it actually intensifies it.  We want what we cannot have.  It is as if the trigger finds a way to get that connection back. 

I am learning as a go and I am trying to give myself permission to be okay with my emotions.  Looking through "grateful" lenses is one of the most difficult challenges I have. 

My question now is how do to be thankful for the experiences that keep that bond without being tortured.....

Ah-Hah Moments

Walking this road, I have discovered much and I have had many “ah-hah moments” 

When I think back to my happiest times, some go back to my childhood, some go back to motherhood but most go back to my life with Tim.  Flashes so vivid I could hear laughter, see colors, feel the air and recall my thoughts of the pure content I felt being in that single moment.    So now I think, what happens now?  I actually have thoughts of “never again”.   As of this moment this feeling is fueled by anger, sadness and fear.  Yes fear.  I have actual feelings of fear.  I never expected this one.  If confuses me.

Anxiety and fear have become a part of the “new” me.  It is a feeling that is very foreign to me.    My fear is not scary movie , ax murderer fear.  My fear is what if something else happens?  Why open my word up?  So that it can be crushed again?  Accidents DO happen, and honestly I will not survive another blow to my heart, my world, my life.   This has truly altered who I am. 

Okay.   So now I have recognized where I am at.  I have identified why.

THE CAUSE:  Why you suffer from anxiety, panic and fear of being abandoned? 

At some time, you experienced an event that you interpreted as abandonment and made you very afraid. When the event occurred, the brain chemicals produced by anxiety synthesized into proteins and were stored in the emotional brain (amygdala).  Now, whenever you encounter something that "reminds" you of that traumatic event, these proteins are "disturbed," and you experience the same feelings now that you did then - panic attacks, anxiety, fear, terror of being unloved or left alone.

I share this so that if you OR someone you know has experience a loss, please know that they will likely not be the same person prior to this loss.  From the inside out it changes you.  It is not as easy as telling someone to “let it go", “move on with your life” or “get over it”.  

For me, I understand where I am right now even if no else does.  I am trying!

In Time

I watched a movie that highlighted the power of love and an underlying message to simply live each day as if it were your last.    I found myself understanding that it is the power of love that makes this journey feel so impossible.   If I had not loved and been loved so deeply I would not miss it so much.   I kept thinking, if I could go back in time, I would have a conversations with him and tape it so that I replay it in times when I have doubt.   I would take in and appreciate every little small moment not just the big ones.   In my personal, intimate world,  I would engrave every touch, smell, word and noise in my memory so that I never forget.   I still wear my ring, have pictures everywhere, spray his cologne and wear his clothing so that I don’t forget.    Normal?   Not sure.   Even if someone were to say it wasn’t, it would make no difference to me.  

I find myself wondering that if in time I am able to embrace my future does that mean saying goodbye?   I have not and I am not willing to do that.   So now what? 

Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye? ~Author Unknown

Seeking Success

Before this life altering event happened to me,  I had no idea losing a husband caused such devastating despair. I always admired the courage of those who had lost a loved one and how they were able to cope.   I was convinced I would have had an emotional breakdown apart from God's sustaining presence.   I have tried lately to make some goals for myself   This has been a painful process, as it focuses me on the future which still seems full of questions and insecurities.

For me, I have tried to stay short-term.  I need to keep them attainable and I need to be careful not to expect too much of myself.   I understand now how easy it is to send myself down a road that does not lead away from depression that awaits me.  

Perception Changes in Grief

Perception

“an attitude or understanding based on what is observed or thought”

Since Tim’s accident, my vision on life is much different.  A bird singing, the sun rising, the stars shining all are observed through new eyes.  I know my ebbs and flows and it often feels like the ocean.   Rough and turbulent one day and more calm the next.  I may look down and see clearly to the sand and return to cloudy waters.  It is my perception, the depth and clarity of my vision, that makes it appear so.  Others will look from the outside and may assume or perceive something different.

If I have a smile on my face does that mean I am happy?

If I am laughing does that mean I am okay?

If I am out having a drink with fiends does this mean I am moving forward?

If I am still wearing my wedding band does this mean I am in denial?

If I don’t go out does this mean I am depressed?

If I still have clothes of my loved one hanging in the closet does this mean I can’t let go?

If I don’t talk about my loved one does this mean I do not miss him?

It is all perception and if you want to know the reality, just ask. 

I wish you peace....

After experiencing my own grief I have become extra sensitive to others that experience their own personal loss.    I find that we often get confused about what to say and what not to say.    A sudden death is a shock to the system.   It’s the suddenness of it that’s just overwhelming. Hearing things such as “he is in a better place”, “it is God’s plan” and “Time will heal” was NOT helpful and frankly made me a bit angry.   Although the words spoken are all well intended, during this time you have so many different emotions and all you want is your loved one with you.  I found that the most helpful was expressing a simple sympathy and just being there.  Finding peace/comfort was and still has been the most difficult thing to come by so I now offer others the wish of peace during the most difficult time in their lives.  I have had several people in my circle that have experienced loss recently and while I could NEVER understand their loss I certainly can understand the heartache.  

I wish you peace!

Signs from God

After vacationing this past holiday weekend, it occurred to me that maybe coincidences are God's way of being anonymous. I do believe that if we are receptive to them, God gives us little signs of encouragement, comfort and consolation in our everyday lives, signs that He is with us.  Sometimes I am not sure if there is a sign being given or if it is just my desperate attempt to find hope.  I suppose either way it is good, right?  I was blessed to experience these "signs" while in a beautiful place with beautiful friends and came back with a bit more hope.