Monday, October 27, 2014
So, here in Central Florida a celebration called “Biketoberfest” just ended. If you are not familiar, thousands of motorcycle riders roll into the Daytona Beach area for an extended weekend of sun, beaches, entertainment and bikes, bikes and more bikes!
In the past I would be excited for this time of year! Yeah! It is Biketoberfest. Now, I stay home and off the roads because it is Biketoberfest.
Well, I miscalculated and decided to plan a road trip to Atlanta in the middle of this huge event. Driving extra cautiously and at the same time trying to tune them all out. They would breeze by me with not a care in the world. They were all enjoying the ride, the moment, the weather and the comradery. With every mile another trigger is pulled (boom) another memory, another heartache. It did not matter the type of bike, the color of the bike, the sound of the bike, the speed of the bike or the description of the rider (s). It was one hit after another. A couple passes by and I can she her arms wrapped around his waist and those where my arms. If I close my eyes and still feel that closeness, that bond, and then I remember I will never have that experience again in my life. I felt angry, anxious and sad all in one moment. Talk about feeling crazy! I say this to provide one small glimpse into grief. The triggers are different for everyone but for every person that has experienced a major loss they do exist. They can be small reminders, but just like that they can put you into a deep grieving space where you are distracted from what you were doing and suddenly find yourself in that space where nothing else matters but your pain. I believe as humans we crave connections/bonds with each other. The death of a loved one does not diminish that desire, I believe it actually intensifies it. We want what we cannot have. It is as if the trigger finds a way to get that connection back.
I am learning as a go and I am trying to give myself permission to be okay with my emotions. Looking through "grateful" lenses is one of the most difficult challenges I have.
My question now is how do to be thankful for the experiences that keep that bond without being tortured.....