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Friday, October 3, 2014

Ah-Hah Moments

Walking this road, I have discovered much and I have had many “ah-hah moments” 

When I think back to my happiest times, some go back to my childhood, some go back to motherhood but most go back to my life with Tim.  Flashes so vivid I could hear laughter, see colors, feel the air and recall my thoughts of the pure content I felt being in that single moment.    So now I think, what happens now?  I actually have thoughts of “never again”.   As of this moment this feeling is fueled by anger, sadness and fear.  Yes fear.  I have actual feelings of fear.  I never expected this one.  If confuses me.

Anxiety and fear have become a part of the “new” me.  It is a feeling that is very foreign to me.    My fear is not scary movie , ax murderer fear.  My fear is what if something else happens?  Why open my word up?  So that it can be crushed again?  Accidents DO happen, and honestly I will not survive another blow to my heart, my world, my life.   This has truly altered who I am. 

Okay.   So now I have recognized where I am at.  I have identified why.

THE CAUSE:  Why you suffer from anxiety, panic and fear of being abandoned? 

At some time, you experienced an event that you interpreted as abandonment and made you very afraid. When the event occurred, the brain chemicals produced by anxiety synthesized into proteins and were stored in the emotional brain (amygdala).  Now, whenever you encounter something that "reminds" you of that traumatic event, these proteins are "disturbed," and you experience the same feelings now that you did then - panic attacks, anxiety, fear, terror of being unloved or left alone.

I share this so that if you OR someone you know has experience a loss, please know that they will likely not be the same person prior to this loss.  From the inside out it changes you.  It is not as easy as telling someone to “let it go", “move on with your life” or “get over it”.  

For me, I understand where I am right now even if no else does.  I am trying!