Anxiety and Grief

I have been told that the feelings of anxiety is normal for those who have survived an intense loss or trauma.   Because of Tim’s accident, in my life there are moments, the whole world feels like an unsafe place.  There is a “panic” that comes quickly that I can assume is a guarding against more loss.  I don't trust my instincts anymore.    After all, terrible things are possible and I have personal knowledge of this.

If I can not find the cat right away a begin to panic that he escaped, get stuck somewhere, and die cold and alone and afraid. Or that my dog would get hit by a car, and I wouldn't be there to stop it.    If my son does not come home or check in, I will panic that something bad has happened to keep him for reaching out. 

Now, I am in the process of looking for a new home to settle down in and I panic that I will not make the right decision.   How will I know I can trust myself to make good decisions?   I walk through houses and look to see if I can picture my life living out there but I can never shake the feeling of the dreams that Tim and shared for our future.  Would we have been happy here?    I grieve for Tim, look for him and talk to him everyday.   Along side of grieving his physical presence, it often feels like I grieve my future as well.

Where did that person of confidence and optimism in life go?  Does she still insist?  How much can I really trust I can make big personal decisions?  Will I be present enough to see my future up ahead?  

Well, I will find out one day at a time.

Moving myself forward.

Over this long and continuing journey I have discovered many things about myself.   Some not so good and some not so bad.    Most importantly, I have learned that in grief part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people.   When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.   With this discovery I can admit I have forever been changed.     Even in the way I  define myself and the way society defines me has changed.   Just the other day I final used the phrase “late husband”.     It feels so unnatural and unreal.   In that moment I thought, wow, is this who I am now?  I still have anger and I still deny my reality at times.  I miss my life that was and have struggled a lot with my life that is.   

On that note……   I have pulled the trigger on moving myself forward!   I have sold the house and will be moving back to Georgia.    This is VERY bitter sweet as the plan was Tim and I would do this move from one phase of lives to another together.   I am have much sadness and anger that I am doing this alone and have excitement that there must be something more for me.   New environment, new roads to take and new memories to make.  Tim’s spirit and the connection that holds us together I will bring with me – the love we had  I will not leave behind.. 

Keeping it positive!

 Anniversaries of loss can feel like a train approaching .  Instead of getting hit I am going to attempt to ride it and make something positive out of it!   I am aiming to find ways to honor Tim and instead of mourn him.  

Tim's Birthday is March 15th and I want to have as many friends & family as possible to do one random act of kindness in SUPERMAN'S honor on his birthday weekend. Last year went so well and to know that Tim Lea was remembered and honored by these acts of kindness was VERY touching! So if you are game we are going for round 2!  For example.... Place money in an expiring parking meter, let someone in traffic, donate toys to a children's charity, donate to a homeless shelter, a school or an animal shelter. Please be creative and use your own "super powers" to make our communities a more kind place!

Please participate and have fun!!!

Never Prepared

The local news, the national news and the world news.   You can watch 24 hours a day.   One heartbreaking story and after another.  We hear it so often that we don’t even blink.   It is not real in our minds. We are removed because the story is not ours. When death is so removed from us, we become disassociated from it. Yet, when the moment finally comes that a loved one is taken, we are never prepared.  When it happens you are thrown into this emotional life we've never lived before.  It can be transformational.  It in many ways reminds me of being in a washing machine. We don’t always get to choose what happens to us or the people we love. Those circumstances that present adversity, like losing a loved one, will alter our own path.  These things happen, and we want to find our way to move forward with courage and grace.   This is always easier spoken of and much more difficult to put action to. 

NOTE FOR ALL:    Conversation is so important, and we have to remind ourselves and teach our children that living life means approaching each day as if it were your last. 

Finding your own way

So interesting how men and women deal with the death of their spouse.   I came across the below.

" Findings from various studies: In the first year after a spouse’s death, 54% of men have a sexual relationship, compared with 7% of women. By 25 months after a spouse’s death, 61% of men had a new relationship, versus 19% of women, and 25% of men had remarried, versus 5% of women."

FIND YOUR OWN WAY

 “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.”:

• There is no set timeline for moving on. Some people need a lot of time to grieve. Others are ready to date pretty soon. Only you will know what is right for you.
• Ask yourself: Am I ready to trust somebody again? And am I ready to care about another partner?
• Your children may not be thrilled that you want to meet someone. But if you’re happy and balanced, you’ll be a better role model and a happier person overall. Talk to your children, no matter their age. Tell them why you are dating. Explain no one will ever replace their other parent. Reassure them that you will be safe and cautious.
• You don’t have to let go of your positive feelings about your spouse and marriage. You aren’t looking to replace that person. Your spouse was unique. If you take that as a given, you can move forward.
• Cope with the loss itself: Talk with others. Join a support group. Join a special activity group to meet others and do things that matter to you.
• Stay hopeful and optimistic. Remember, you can and will find love again. You are never too old. Don’t let yourself feel pressured to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with.
• We change our values and needs as time goes on, and especially after the loss of a spouse. Identify your needs and desires, and what values are important to you. Identify what you want in a new mate.
• Think about what you liked and disliked in your first partner to help define what you want. If you know what you are looking for, you’ll be more likely to find that person.

http://www.wsj.com/articles/after-the-loss-of-a-spouse-there-is-no-right-amount-of-time-before-moving-on-1416251499

Missing From Me

If you watch the news or check in with social media you can see that there is good news that changes someone’s world and bad news that rocks another person’s core.   Life changes so rapidly and if you look around and pay attention you can see it everywhere.    There is death and sorrow happening everywhere and then there is new life in abundance.  Just this week, news of deaths and celebrations of new life.   News of recovery and news of life struggles.  Every one of them relatable to my own life and my heart celebrates and breaks in sympathy as I realize more and more the levels of sensitivity I have developed.   Life is always moving and it is important to relish all that is great and hold on tight through the storms.  

Grief has been such a huge part of my day to day and the void of missing Tim is an emotion that is carved into me and changed me forever.   He was such a huge part of my life, my happiness and my world that not only I am missing Tim everyday he in turn is missing from me. 

What I do know is that this is my temporary home and I will be whole again one day!  Until that day, I will be incomplete but will carry every happy memory I can with me as to not forget and honor memories of the people that have made me who I am.

Just A Dream

Lyric that have always been with me since June 28, 2013

Baby why'd you leave me

Why'd you have to go?

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know

I can't even breathe

It's like I'm looking from a distance

Standing in the background

Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now

This can't be happening to me

This is just a dream