Missing From Me

If you watch the news or check in with social media you can see that there is good news that changes someone’s world and bad news that rocks another person’s core.   Life changes so rapidly and if you look around and pay attention you can see it everywhere.    There is death and sorrow happening everywhere and then there is new life in abundance.  Just this week, news of deaths and celebrations of new life.   News of recovery and news of life struggles.  Every one of them relatable to my own life and my heart celebrates and breaks in sympathy as I realize more and more the levels of sensitivity I have developed.   Life is always moving and it is important to relish all that is great and hold on tight through the storms.  

Grief has been such a huge part of my day to day and the void of missing Tim is an emotion that is carved into me and changed me forever.   He was such a huge part of my life, my happiness and my world that not only I am missing Tim everyday he in turn is missing from me. 

What I do know is that this is my temporary home and I will be whole again one day!  Until that day, I will be incomplete but will carry every happy memory I can with me as to not forget and honor memories of the people that have made me who I am.

Just A Dream

Lyric that have always been with me since June 28, 2013

Baby why'd you leave me

Why'd you have to go?

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know

I can't even breathe

It's like I'm looking from a distance

Standing in the background

Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now

This can't be happening to me

This is just a dream

Grief process and the long road to recovery

 I saw this today and it rang a bell of familiarity with me.

“Grief can impact all spheres of a person’s life. Some will feel angry and reject previously held beliefs, while others may find comfort in their faith or spirituality. You may experience grief not just for the person, but also for your expectations in your relationship with them that were never met.”

For me, I am finding that anger is still an integral part of my traumatic and complicated grief process.  This accident not only took Timothy physically but it took all my hopes and dreams;  it took our future too, and left me with this awful flashback of what happened to him.   I know he did NOT intend to leave me, my heart however feels like he walk out on us.   I was sitting this morning wondering how he could do that to me and then I think that sounds selfish and I get mad at myself for feeling that way.  Too many different feelings.  The day before was a good day.  Yesterday I just felt sick to my stomach and I want to crawl in a hole.  I get very conflicted sometimes just thinking about it.  I have no patience for anything or anyone.  I am realizing that much of this is a defensive to keep me from experiencing this pain again.  I KNOW it is not healthy and I will try to work every day to move further down this road to recovery.

For anyone experiencing grief OR knows someone that is, you may find this helpful.  It did for me because I thought I was crazy because had NEVER experienced most of this in my lifetime and all the sudden I did (some at the same time).

What are the physical, mental, and emotional symptoms of grief?

While symptoms vary widely from person to person, there are several physical, mental, and emotional symptoms that are commonly experienced in the grief process.

Physical symptoms include:

·        Headaches and body aches

·        Tightness in chest

·        Fatigue or exhaustion

·        Sensitive skin

·        Dizziness

·        Shortness of breath

·        Increased illness

·        Oversensitivity to noise

·        Heart palpitations

·        Loss of appetite or weight gain

Mental symptoms include:

·        Forgetfulness

·        Sleep difficulties (too much or too little)

·        Inability to concentrate

·        Confusion

·        Decreased decision-making or problem-solving abilities

·        Low self-image

·        Self-destructive thoughts

Emotional symptoms include:

·        Depression

·        Anger

·        Helplessness

·        Anxiety

·        Mood swings

·        Hysteria

Braving the coming weeks

December and only weeks left of 2014….

This is my most favorite time of year. Well, it was my favorite time of year. Hopefully it might become my favorite again some time. Usually, once the air starts blowing crisp I get excited and start thinking of ways to celebrate and decorate.  My fondest for Christmas comes from my beautiful mother.  She would make the holidays so great for our family.   When she passed from cancer the holidays were not the same and then grew tremendously better when children entered the picture.  Nothing like seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes to really understand the blessings of the holidays UNTIL I saw it through the blessed eyes of true love.  All those years of having Tim’s friendship, comfort, abundant love and protection made every holiday only another reminder of how blessed I was.  I wouldn't change anything, I just want to do the holidays with Timothy again.


My thoughts of this time of year have changed along with who I am. Drastically changed. I'm angry, streaked with envy. I feel anxious, eager to just get this all over with already!   I need not to think of next year’s battles, just about how I'll get through the current ones.   I try to find ways to do things to remember Tim, but as time goes by I feel I am the only one.   After he passed, so many reminded me he was not forgotten and now they are fewer and fewer.  

 I let myself have sad and angry moments. Then I try and force myself  to live life.  I just live with grief hanging above me like a dark cloud. Even after a year and half  it isn't getting easier...I'm just getting used to the dark cloud.

My view on life is glazed over with anger and disbelief of this new life.   HOWEVER…  I can see through the cracks of pain that there are things to be grateful for.   Most of all having the blessing of Tim’s presence in my life and experiencing unconditional love.

Here’s to the cracks becoming larger in 2015!

Timelines for grief?

The sun sets everyday and the view from where we are allows us to see it differently just like when someone loses a loved one and they experience it differently.    

I’d been taught that if I worked hard enough for anything, I could achieve it. I struggled with the notion that I could work myself into the ground, but not inch myself a step closer to my goal of having my Timothy back.

In current life, I look to spend time with people I can be myself with.  New friendships or friendships that bordered on the outer circle of friends is very much a struggle, and unless I feel instant warmth from someone, I admit to holding them at arms length to avoid letting them into my bubble.  

Unexpectedly,  I wanted people to know what had happened to me, so it would excuse my quietness at times.  The biggest security blanket I have is for people to not expect too much of me.

Now, I find myself not wanting to share much at all.  I has been 1 year and 5 months and more and more I hear things like: It is time to move on, don't be sad, don't be angry, see a Dr/Therapist, put yourself out there, live life and be happy.  Well, I hate to disappoint, but I can not at this time live up to those expectations.  It is easier to keep to myself to avoid the disappoints all around.

REMINDER:  Be patient and remember there is not a timeline for grief.  Tomorrow the sun will rise and set again and I have the opportunity to experience it differently.

Grief Triggers

So, here in Central Florida a celebration called “Biketoberfest” just ended.  If you are not familiar, thousands of motorcycle riders roll into the Daytona Beach area for an extended weekend of sun, beaches, entertainment and bikes, bikes and more bikes!

In the past I would be excited for this time of year!  Yeah! It is Biketoberfest.  Now, I stay home and off the roads because it is Biketoberfest.

Well, I miscalculated and decided to plan a road trip to Atlanta in the middle of this huge event.  Driving extra cautiously and at the same time trying to tune them all out.  They would breeze by me with not a care in the world.   They were all enjoying the ride, the moment, the weather and the comradery.  With every mile another trigger is pulled (boom) another memory, another heartache.  It did not matter the type of bike, the color of the bike, the sound of the bike, the speed of the bike or the description of the rider (s).  It was one hit after another.  A couple passes by and I can she her arms wrapped around his waist and those where my arms.  If I close my eyes and still feel that closeness, that bond, and then I remember I will never have that experience again in my life.  I felt angry, anxious and sad all in one moment.  Talk about feeling crazy! I say this to provide one small glimpse into grief.  The triggers are different for everyone but for every person that has experienced a major loss they do exist.  They can be small reminders, but just like that they can put you into a deep grieving space where you are distracted from what you were doing and suddenly find yourself in that space where nothing else matters but your pain.  I believe as humans we crave connections/bonds with each other.  The death of a loved one does not diminish that desire, I believe it actually intensifies it.  We want what we cannot have.  It is as if the trigger finds a way to get that connection back. 

I am learning as a go and I am trying to give myself permission to be okay with my emotions.  Looking through "grateful" lenses is one of the most difficult challenges I have. 

My question now is how do to be thankful for the experiences that keep that bond without being tortured.....

Ah-Hah Moments

Walking this road, I have discovered much and I have had many “ah-hah moments” 

When I think back to my happiest times, some go back to my childhood, some go back to motherhood but most go back to my life with Tim.  Flashes so vivid I could hear laughter, see colors, feel the air and recall my thoughts of the pure content I felt being in that single moment.    So now I think, what happens now?  I actually have thoughts of “never again”.   As of this moment this feeling is fueled by anger, sadness and fear.  Yes fear.  I have actual feelings of fear.  I never expected this one.  If confuses me.

Anxiety and fear have become a part of the “new” me.  It is a feeling that is very foreign to me.    My fear is not scary movie , ax murderer fear.  My fear is what if something else happens?  Why open my word up?  So that it can be crushed again?  Accidents DO happen, and honestly I will not survive another blow to my heart, my world, my life.   This has truly altered who I am. 

Okay.   So now I have recognized where I am at.  I have identified why.

THE CAUSE:  Why you suffer from anxiety, panic and fear of being abandoned? 

At some time, you experienced an event that you interpreted as abandonment and made you very afraid. When the event occurred, the brain chemicals produced by anxiety synthesized into proteins and were stored in the emotional brain (amygdala).  Now, whenever you encounter something that "reminds" you of that traumatic event, these proteins are "disturbed," and you experience the same feelings now that you did then - panic attacks, anxiety, fear, terror of being unloved or left alone.

I share this so that if you OR someone you know has experience a loss, please know that they will likely not be the same person prior to this loss.  From the inside out it changes you.  It is not as easy as telling someone to “let it go", “move on with your life” or “get over it”.  

For me, I understand where I am right now even if no else does.  I am trying!