ON THIS DAY

I saw this today and felt it very relevant for me.    I am sure MANY can relate!!   

"She’s strong, because she handled the biggest loss imaginable. She knows what unstoppable pain feels like — what it feels like to miss someone that she can’t reach out to. Someone that she can yell and scream to, but will never get a concrete answer from.

She’s strong, because she hasn’t let death turn her into a cynic. She still has a huge heart. She still has a lot of love to give.

She’s strong, because she’s there for her friends whenever they suffer a similar loss. Because she’s someone that other people can lean on. Because she doesn’t let the horrors of her past haunt her.

She’s strong, because if she could get through the death of someone she loved more than words can ever express, then she can get through anything."

Reality

Woke up this morning with you in my thoughts.

You made me feel protected, loved, safe and special

That is all gone now, that's reality

You showed me how I was meant to be treated, with love, adoration, respect and honor.

Your example is still with me but now feels unattainable once more.

Starting a new life, new home, new place

Yet missing and seeing you in every corner and envisioning our life as it would be now. 

OUR life now is NOT REALITY

MY life now.......  blessing still coming....   You in the rear view pushing me along.

Never Forget.....

I have stopped posting to this blog.   Not because I have nothing to say but because I do not want to be “that person”.    The person that is sad, depressed, lonley, aggrevated, angry, bitter, lost and hopeless.    Now that I have said this..   lets be real, I am not all of things , all of the time.   Good days and bad days come and go….    
Posting on my bad days……    Neh!  No one wants to be depressed by someone else’s sadness.     Social media allows us all to let everyone know about the great stuff in our life.   From the outside we all look great but from the inside it is just NOT the truth!
The truth is the struggle never goes away.     The truth is I miss Tim just as much today as I did 2 ½ years ago.     My love for him is still just as strong.   My human make-up has forever been altered.

For me this is to NEVER forget!

Singleville

I couldn't sleep last night because I had so many thoughts.   Mostly thoughts of the past because thoughts of the future is way too questionable.   I am becoming a control freak and allowing someone else to influence my life is a very scary prospect right now.  I was with a great man and I lost him.  Being scared forced me into a life in Singleville.  And being single became something I cling to.   Loving someone else means I put myself at risk of feeling this pain again.     Being single feels more safe than being with someone else.    But being by myself for the rest of my life does not sound like a healthy prospect.

I realize that I am still on the roller coaster. Still, after two + years, feeling like I can't really be a widow. Still feeling sort of separate from the rest of the world, as if they're all living normal lives.  I feel like I'm waiting for life to start again, although of course I realize this *is* life. And I still don't know where I'm going to end up.

Lyrics that STILL ring true!    
Waiting for Superman!

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer
A sign lost in the abyss, this metropolis

She says "yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”
She says: "if life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this
Left without a kiss"

Advise for someone in grief

This was passed along to me and I thought I would share!     I found this very applicable.

Days Like This

Please allow for room to breathe, to feel, to hurt, to love, to be loved, to cry, to smile, to laugh , to remember…..

I just need some room today.   

Moving forward? Moving In..

The moving "adventure" is coming to a close.   The home I “left” is where we shared family gatherings, birthdays, cooked meals, watched football games, helped the boy’s with homework and shared special loving moments.  It was not merely a house; it was a place bulging with memories.   I was ready to leave BUT it was VERY TOUGH to walk away.

There was a part of me that felt as though I was leaving a part of my heart behind.  I have quickly come to realize that I never left the past life behind.  I have brought my past life, the wonderful memories and those legacies of love with me.   Even with those memories, there is the reality that his presence is MIA.

So I have officially moved into a new house in a new state with “some” new things and I cried?   Still happy for the move but very sad to be doing this without Tim.   This journey was meant for the two of us and now it is just me.   Down to just me....   WOW…   HUGE reality check.  I have found that this period in time has been incredibly difficult because let's face it -- I have been forced out of a life that that I never asked to leave.

Anxiety and Grief

I have been told that the feelings of anxiety is normal for those who have survived an intense loss or trauma.   Because of Tim’s accident, in my life there are moments, the whole world feels like an unsafe place.  There is a “panic” that comes quickly that I can assume is a guarding against more loss.  I don't trust my instincts anymore.    After all, terrible things are possible and I have personal knowledge of this.

If I can not find the cat right away a begin to panic that he escaped, get stuck somewhere, and die cold and alone and afraid. Or that my dog would get hit by a car, and I wouldn't be there to stop it.    If my son does not come home or check in, I will panic that something bad has happened to keep him for reaching out. 

Now, I am in the process of looking for a new home to settle down in and I panic that I will not make the right decision.   How will I know I can trust myself to make good decisions?   I walk through houses and look to see if I can picture my life living out there but I can never shake the feeling of the dreams that Tim and shared for our future.  Would we have been happy here?    I grieve for Tim, look for him and talk to him everyday.   Along side of grieving his physical presence, it often feels like I grieve my future as well.

Where did that person of confidence and optimism in life go?  Does she still insist?  How much can I really trust I can make big personal decisions?  Will I be present enough to see my future up ahead?  

Well, I will find out one day at a time.

Moving myself forward.

Over this long and continuing journey I have discovered many things about myself.   Some not so good and some not so bad.    Most importantly, I have learned that in grief part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people.   When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.   With this discovery I can admit I have forever been changed.     Even in the way I  define myself and the way society defines me has changed.   Just the other day I final used the phrase “late husband”.     It feels so unnatural and unreal.   In that moment I thought, wow, is this who I am now?  I still have anger and I still deny my reality at times.  I miss my life that was and have struggled a lot with my life that is.   

On that note……   I have pulled the trigger on moving myself forward!   I have sold the house and will be moving back to Georgia.    This is VERY bitter sweet as the plan was Tim and I would do this move from one phase of lives to another together.   I am have much sadness and anger that I am doing this alone and have excitement that there must be something more for me.   New environment, new roads to take and new memories to make.  Tim’s spirit and the connection that holds us together I will bring with me – the love we had  I will not leave behind.. 

Keeping it positive!

 Anniversaries of loss can feel like a train approaching .  Instead of getting hit I am going to attempt to ride it and make something positive out of it!   I am aiming to find ways to honor Tim and instead of mourn him.  

Tim's Birthday is March 15th and I want to have as many friends & family as possible to do one random act of kindness in SUPERMAN'S honor on his birthday weekend. Last year went so well and to know that Tim Lea was remembered and honored by these acts of kindness was VERY touching! So if you are game we are going for round 2!  For example.... Place money in an expiring parking meter, let someone in traffic, donate toys to a children's charity, donate to a homeless shelter, a school or an animal shelter. Please be creative and use your own "super powers" to make our communities a more kind place!

Please participate and have fun!!!

Never Prepared

The local news, the national news and the world news.   You can watch 24 hours a day.   One heartbreaking story and after another.  We hear it so often that we don’t even blink.   It is not real in our minds. We are removed because the story is not ours. When death is so removed from us, we become disassociated from it. Yet, when the moment finally comes that a loved one is taken, we are never prepared.  When it happens you are thrown into this emotional life we've never lived before.  It can be transformational.  It in many ways reminds me of being in a washing machine. We don’t always get to choose what happens to us or the people we love. Those circumstances that present adversity, like losing a loved one, will alter our own path.  These things happen, and we want to find our way to move forward with courage and grace.   This is always easier spoken of and much more difficult to put action to. 

NOTE FOR ALL:    Conversation is so important, and we have to remind ourselves and teach our children that living life means approaching each day as if it were your last. 

Finding your own way

So interesting how men and women deal with the death of their spouse.   I came across the below.

" Findings from various studies: In the first year after a spouse’s death, 54% of men have a sexual relationship, compared with 7% of women. By 25 months after a spouse’s death, 61% of men had a new relationship, versus 19% of women, and 25% of men had remarried, versus 5% of women."

FIND YOUR OWN WAY

 “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.”:

• There is no set timeline for moving on. Some people need a lot of time to grieve. Others are ready to date pretty soon. Only you will know what is right for you.
• Ask yourself: Am I ready to trust somebody again? And am I ready to care about another partner?
• Your children may not be thrilled that you want to meet someone. But if you’re happy and balanced, you’ll be a better role model and a happier person overall. Talk to your children, no matter their age. Tell them why you are dating. Explain no one will ever replace their other parent. Reassure them that you will be safe and cautious.
• You don’t have to let go of your positive feelings about your spouse and marriage. You aren’t looking to replace that person. Your spouse was unique. If you take that as a given, you can move forward.
• Cope with the loss itself: Talk with others. Join a support group. Join a special activity group to meet others and do things that matter to you.
• Stay hopeful and optimistic. Remember, you can and will find love again. You are never too old. Don’t let yourself feel pressured to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with.
• We change our values and needs as time goes on, and especially after the loss of a spouse. Identify your needs and desires, and what values are important to you. Identify what you want in a new mate.
• Think about what you liked and disliked in your first partner to help define what you want. If you know what you are looking for, you’ll be more likely to find that person.

http://www.wsj.com/articles/after-the-loss-of-a-spouse-there-is-no-right-amount-of-time-before-moving-on-1416251499

Missing From Me

If you watch the news or check in with social media you can see that there is good news that changes someone’s world and bad news that rocks another person’s core.   Life changes so rapidly and if you look around and pay attention you can see it everywhere.    There is death and sorrow happening everywhere and then there is new life in abundance.  Just this week, news of deaths and celebrations of new life.   News of recovery and news of life struggles.  Every one of them relatable to my own life and my heart celebrates and breaks in sympathy as I realize more and more the levels of sensitivity I have developed.   Life is always moving and it is important to relish all that is great and hold on tight through the storms.  

Grief has been such a huge part of my day to day and the void of missing Tim is an emotion that is carved into me and changed me forever.   He was such a huge part of my life, my happiness and my world that not only I am missing Tim everyday he in turn is missing from me. 

What I do know is that this is my temporary home and I will be whole again one day!  Until that day, I will be incomplete but will carry every happy memory I can with me as to not forget and honor memories of the people that have made me who I am.

Just A Dream

Lyric that have always been with me since June 28, 2013

Baby why'd you leave me

Why'd you have to go?

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know

I can't even breathe

It's like I'm looking from a distance

Standing in the background

Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now

This can't be happening to me

This is just a dream

Grief process and the long road to recovery

 I saw this today and it rang a bell of familiarity with me.

“Grief can impact all spheres of a person’s life. Some will feel angry and reject previously held beliefs, while others may find comfort in their faith or spirituality. You may experience grief not just for the person, but also for your expectations in your relationship with them that were never met.”

For me, I am finding that anger is still an integral part of my traumatic and complicated grief process.  This accident not only took Timothy physically but it took all my hopes and dreams;  it took our future too, and left me with this awful flashback of what happened to him.   I know he did NOT intend to leave me, my heart however feels like he walk out on us.   I was sitting this morning wondering how he could do that to me and then I think that sounds selfish and I get mad at myself for feeling that way.  Too many different feelings.  The day before was a good day.  Yesterday I just felt sick to my stomach and I want to crawl in a hole.  I get very conflicted sometimes just thinking about it.  I have no patience for anything or anyone.  I am realizing that much of this is a defensive to keep me from experiencing this pain again.  I KNOW it is not healthy and I will try to work every day to move further down this road to recovery.

For anyone experiencing grief OR knows someone that is, you may find this helpful.  It did for me because I thought I was crazy because had NEVER experienced most of this in my lifetime and all the sudden I did (some at the same time).

What are the physical, mental, and emotional symptoms of grief?

While symptoms vary widely from person to person, there are several physical, mental, and emotional symptoms that are commonly experienced in the grief process.

Physical symptoms include:

·        Headaches and body aches

·        Tightness in chest

·        Fatigue or exhaustion

·        Sensitive skin

·        Dizziness

·        Shortness of breath

·        Increased illness

·        Oversensitivity to noise

·        Heart palpitations

·        Loss of appetite or weight gain

Mental symptoms include:

·        Forgetfulness

·        Sleep difficulties (too much or too little)

·        Inability to concentrate

·        Confusion

·        Decreased decision-making or problem-solving abilities

·        Low self-image

·        Self-destructive thoughts

Emotional symptoms include:

·        Depression

·        Anger

·        Helplessness

·        Anxiety

·        Mood swings

·        Hysteria

Braving the coming weeks

December and only weeks left of 2014….

This is my most favorite time of year. Well, it was my favorite time of year. Hopefully it might become my favorite again some time. Usually, once the air starts blowing crisp I get excited and start thinking of ways to celebrate and decorate.  My fondest for Christmas comes from my beautiful mother.  She would make the holidays so great for our family.   When she passed from cancer the holidays were not the same and then grew tremendously better when children entered the picture.  Nothing like seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes to really understand the blessings of the holidays UNTIL I saw it through the blessed eyes of true love.  All those years of having Tim’s friendship, comfort, abundant love and protection made every holiday only another reminder of how blessed I was.  I wouldn't change anything, I just want to do the holidays with Timothy again.


My thoughts of this time of year have changed along with who I am. Drastically changed. I'm angry, streaked with envy. I feel anxious, eager to just get this all over with already!   I need not to think of next year’s battles, just about how I'll get through the current ones.   I try to find ways to do things to remember Tim, but as time goes by I feel I am the only one.   After he passed, so many reminded me he was not forgotten and now they are fewer and fewer.  

 I let myself have sad and angry moments. Then I try and force myself  to live life.  I just live with grief hanging above me like a dark cloud. Even after a year and half  it isn't getting easier...I'm just getting used to the dark cloud.

My view on life is glazed over with anger and disbelief of this new life.   HOWEVER…  I can see through the cracks of pain that there are things to be grateful for.   Most of all having the blessing of Tim’s presence in my life and experiencing unconditional love.

Here’s to the cracks becoming larger in 2015!

Timelines for grief?

The sun sets everyday and the view from where we are allows us to see it differently just like when someone loses a loved one and they experience it differently.    

I’d been taught that if I worked hard enough for anything, I could achieve it. I struggled with the notion that I could work myself into the ground, but not inch myself a step closer to my goal of having my Timothy back.

In current life, I look to spend time with people I can be myself with.  New friendships or friendships that bordered on the outer circle of friends is very much a struggle, and unless I feel instant warmth from someone, I admit to holding them at arms length to avoid letting them into my bubble.  

Unexpectedly,  I wanted people to know what had happened to me, so it would excuse my quietness at times.  The biggest security blanket I have is for people to not expect too much of me.

Now, I find myself not wanting to share much at all.  I has been 1 year and 5 months and more and more I hear things like: It is time to move on, don't be sad, don't be angry, see a Dr/Therapist, put yourself out there, live life and be happy.  Well, I hate to disappoint, but I can not at this time live up to those expectations.  It is easier to keep to myself to avoid the disappoints all around.

REMINDER:  Be patient and remember there is not a timeline for grief.  Tomorrow the sun will rise and set again and I have the opportunity to experience it differently.

Grief Triggers

So, here in Central Florida a celebration called “Biketoberfest” just ended.  If you are not familiar, thousands of motorcycle riders roll into the Daytona Beach area for an extended weekend of sun, beaches, entertainment and bikes, bikes and more bikes!

In the past I would be excited for this time of year!  Yeah! It is Biketoberfest.  Now, I stay home and off the roads because it is Biketoberfest.

Well, I miscalculated and decided to plan a road trip to Atlanta in the middle of this huge event.  Driving extra cautiously and at the same time trying to tune them all out.  They would breeze by me with not a care in the world.   They were all enjoying the ride, the moment, the weather and the comradery.  With every mile another trigger is pulled (boom) another memory, another heartache.  It did not matter the type of bike, the color of the bike, the sound of the bike, the speed of the bike or the description of the rider (s).  It was one hit after another.  A couple passes by and I can she her arms wrapped around his waist and those where my arms.  If I close my eyes and still feel that closeness, that bond, and then I remember I will never have that experience again in my life.  I felt angry, anxious and sad all in one moment.  Talk about feeling crazy! I say this to provide one small glimpse into grief.  The triggers are different for everyone but for every person that has experienced a major loss they do exist.  They can be small reminders, but just like that they can put you into a deep grieving space where you are distracted from what you were doing and suddenly find yourself in that space where nothing else matters but your pain.  I believe as humans we crave connections/bonds with each other.  The death of a loved one does not diminish that desire, I believe it actually intensifies it.  We want what we cannot have.  It is as if the trigger finds a way to get that connection back. 

I am learning as a go and I am trying to give myself permission to be okay with my emotions.  Looking through "grateful" lenses is one of the most difficult challenges I have. 

My question now is how do to be thankful for the experiences that keep that bond without being tortured.....

Ah-Hah Moments

Walking this road, I have discovered much and I have had many “ah-hah moments” 

When I think back to my happiest times, some go back to my childhood, some go back to motherhood but most go back to my life with Tim.  Flashes so vivid I could hear laughter, see colors, feel the air and recall my thoughts of the pure content I felt being in that single moment.    So now I think, what happens now?  I actually have thoughts of “never again”.   As of this moment this feeling is fueled by anger, sadness and fear.  Yes fear.  I have actual feelings of fear.  I never expected this one.  If confuses me.

Anxiety and fear have become a part of the “new” me.  It is a feeling that is very foreign to me.    My fear is not scary movie , ax murderer fear.  My fear is what if something else happens?  Why open my word up?  So that it can be crushed again?  Accidents DO happen, and honestly I will not survive another blow to my heart, my world, my life.   This has truly altered who I am. 

Okay.   So now I have recognized where I am at.  I have identified why.

THE CAUSE:  Why you suffer from anxiety, panic and fear of being abandoned? 

At some time, you experienced an event that you interpreted as abandonment and made you very afraid. When the event occurred, the brain chemicals produced by anxiety synthesized into proteins and were stored in the emotional brain (amygdala).  Now, whenever you encounter something that "reminds" you of that traumatic event, these proteins are "disturbed," and you experience the same feelings now that you did then - panic attacks, anxiety, fear, terror of being unloved or left alone.

I share this so that if you OR someone you know has experience a loss, please know that they will likely not be the same person prior to this loss.  From the inside out it changes you.  It is not as easy as telling someone to “let it go", “move on with your life” or “get over it”.  

For me, I understand where I am right now even if no else does.  I am trying!

In Time

I watched a movie that highlighted the power of love and an underlying message to simply live each day as if it were your last.    I found myself understanding that it is the power of love that makes this journey feel so impossible.   If I had not loved and been loved so deeply I would not miss it so much.   I kept thinking, if I could go back in time, I would have a conversations with him and tape it so that I replay it in times when I have doubt.   I would take in and appreciate every little small moment not just the big ones.   In my personal, intimate world,  I would engrave every touch, smell, word and noise in my memory so that I never forget.   I still wear my ring, have pictures everywhere, spray his cologne and wear his clothing so that I don’t forget.    Normal?   Not sure.   Even if someone were to say it wasn’t, it would make no difference to me.  

I find myself wondering that if in time I am able to embrace my future does that mean saying goodbye?   I have not and I am not willing to do that.   So now what? 

Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye? ~Author Unknown