I
have been told that the feelings of anxiety is normal for those who have
survived an intense loss or trauma. Because
of Tim’s accident, in my life there are moments, the whole world feels like an
unsafe place. There is a “panic” that
comes quickly that I can assume is a guarding against more loss. I don't trust my instincts anymore. After all, terrible things are possible and I
have personal knowledge of this.
If I can not find the cat right away a begin to panic that he
escaped, get stuck somewhere, and die cold and alone and afraid. Or that my dog
would get hit by a car, and I wouldn't be there to stop it. If my son does not come home or check in, I
will panic that something bad has happened to keep him for reaching out.
Now, I am in the process of looking for a new home to settle
down in and I panic that I will not make the right decision. How will I know I can trust myself to make
good decisions? I walk through houses
and look to see if I can picture my life living out there but I can never shake
the feeling of the dreams that Tim and shared for our future. Would we have been happy here? I grieve
for Tim, look for him and talk to him everyday.
Along side of grieving his physical presence, it often feels like I
grieve my future as well.
Where did that person of
confidence and optimism in life go? Does
she still insist? How much can I really
trust I can make big personal decisions?
Will I be present enough to see my future up ahead?
Well, I will find out one day
at a time.
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