Reality

Woke up this morning with you in my thoughts.

You made me feel protected, loved, safe and special

That is all gone now, that's reality

You showed me how I was meant to be treated, with love, adoration, respect and honor.

Your example is still with me but now feels unattainable once more.

Starting a new life, new home, new place

Yet missing and seeing you in every corner and envisioning our life as it would be now. 

OUR life now is NOT REALITY

MY life now.......  blessing still coming....   You in the rear view pushing me along.

Never Forget.....

I have stopped posting to this blog.   Not because I have nothing to say but because I do not want to be “that person”.    The person that is sad, depressed, lonley, aggrevated, angry, bitter, lost and hopeless.    Now that I have said this..   lets be real, I am not all of things , all of the time.   Good days and bad days come and go….    
Posting on my bad days……    Neh!  No one wants to be depressed by someone else’s sadness.     Social media allows us all to let everyone know about the great stuff in our life.   From the outside we all look great but from the inside it is just NOT the truth!
The truth is the struggle never goes away.     The truth is I miss Tim just as much today as I did 2 ½ years ago.     My love for him is still just as strong.   My human make-up has forever been altered.

For me this is to NEVER forget!

Singleville

I couldn't sleep last night because I had so many thoughts.   Mostly thoughts of the past because thoughts of the future is way too questionable.   I am becoming a control freak and allowing someone else to influence my life is a very scary prospect right now.  I was with a great man and I lost him.  Being scared forced me into a life in Singleville.  And being single became something I cling to.   Loving someone else means I put myself at risk of feeling this pain again.     Being single feels more safe than being with someone else.    But being by myself for the rest of my life does not sound like a healthy prospect.

I realize that I am still on the roller coaster. Still, after two + years, feeling like I can't really be a widow. Still feeling sort of separate from the rest of the world, as if they're all living normal lives.  I feel like I'm waiting for life to start again, although of course I realize this *is* life. And I still don't know where I'm going to end up.

Lyrics that STILL ring true!    
Waiting for Superman!

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer
A sign lost in the abyss, this metropolis

She says "yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”
She says: "if life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this
Left without a kiss"

Advise for someone in grief

This was passed along to me and I thought I would share!     I found this very applicable.

Days Like This

Please allow for room to breathe, to feel, to hurt, to love, to be loved, to cry, to smile, to laugh , to remember…..

I just need some room today.   

Moving forward? Moving In..

The moving "adventure" is coming to a close.   The home I “left” is where we shared family gatherings, birthdays, cooked meals, watched football games, helped the boy’s with homework and shared special loving moments.  It was not merely a house; it was a place bulging with memories.   I was ready to leave BUT it was VERY TOUGH to walk away.

There was a part of me that felt as though I was leaving a part of my heart behind.  I have quickly come to realize that I never left the past life behind.  I have brought my past life, the wonderful memories and those legacies of love with me.   Even with those memories, there is the reality that his presence is MIA.

So I have officially moved into a new house in a new state with “some” new things and I cried?   Still happy for the move but very sad to be doing this without Tim.   This journey was meant for the two of us and now it is just me.   Down to just me....   WOW…   HUGE reality check.  I have found that this period in time has been incredibly difficult because let's face it -- I have been forced out of a life that that I never asked to leave.

Anxiety and Grief

I have been told that the feelings of anxiety is normal for those who have survived an intense loss or trauma.   Because of Tim’s accident, in my life there are moments, the whole world feels like an unsafe place.  There is a “panic” that comes quickly that I can assume is a guarding against more loss.  I don't trust my instincts anymore.    After all, terrible things are possible and I have personal knowledge of this.

If I can not find the cat right away a begin to panic that he escaped, get stuck somewhere, and die cold and alone and afraid. Or that my dog would get hit by a car, and I wouldn't be there to stop it.    If my son does not come home or check in, I will panic that something bad has happened to keep him for reaching out. 

Now, I am in the process of looking for a new home to settle down in and I panic that I will not make the right decision.   How will I know I can trust myself to make good decisions?   I walk through houses and look to see if I can picture my life living out there but I can never shake the feeling of the dreams that Tim and shared for our future.  Would we have been happy here?    I grieve for Tim, look for him and talk to him everyday.   Along side of grieving his physical presence, it often feels like I grieve my future as well.

Where did that person of confidence and optimism in life go?  Does she still insist?  How much can I really trust I can make big personal decisions?  Will I be present enough to see my future up ahead?  

Well, I will find out one day at a time.