Never Prepared

The local news, the national news and the world news.   You can watch 24 hours a day.   One heartbreaking story and after another.  We hear it so often that we don’t even blink.   It is not real in our minds. We are removed because the story is not ours. When death is so removed from us, we become disassociated from it. Yet, when the moment finally comes that a loved one is taken, we are never prepared.  When it happens you are thrown into this emotional life we've never lived before.  It can be transformational.  It in many ways reminds me of being in a washing machine. We don’t always get to choose what happens to us or the people we love. Those circumstances that present adversity, like losing a loved one, will alter our own path.  These things happen, and we want to find our way to move forward with courage and grace.   This is always easier spoken of and much more difficult to put action to. 

NOTE FOR ALL:    Conversation is so important, and we have to remind ourselves and teach our children that living life means approaching each day as if it were your last. 

Finding your own way

So interesting how men and women deal with the death of their spouse.   I came across the below.

" Findings from various studies: In the first year after a spouse’s death, 54% of men have a sexual relationship, compared with 7% of women. By 25 months after a spouse’s death, 61% of men had a new relationship, versus 19% of women, and 25% of men had remarried, versus 5% of women."

FIND YOUR OWN WAY

 “Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.”:

• There is no set timeline for moving on. Some people need a lot of time to grieve. Others are ready to date pretty soon. Only you will know what is right for you.
• Ask yourself: Am I ready to trust somebody again? And am I ready to care about another partner?
• Your children may not be thrilled that you want to meet someone. But if you’re happy and balanced, you’ll be a better role model and a happier person overall. Talk to your children, no matter their age. Tell them why you are dating. Explain no one will ever replace their other parent. Reassure them that you will be safe and cautious.
• You don’t have to let go of your positive feelings about your spouse and marriage. You aren’t looking to replace that person. Your spouse was unique. If you take that as a given, you can move forward.
• Cope with the loss itself: Talk with others. Join a support group. Join a special activity group to meet others and do things that matter to you.
• Stay hopeful and optimistic. Remember, you can and will find love again. You are never too old. Don’t let yourself feel pressured to make decisions you aren’t comfortable with.
• We change our values and needs as time goes on, and especially after the loss of a spouse. Identify your needs and desires, and what values are important to you. Identify what you want in a new mate.
• Think about what you liked and disliked in your first partner to help define what you want. If you know what you are looking for, you’ll be more likely to find that person.

http://www.wsj.com/articles/after-the-loss-of-a-spouse-there-is-no-right-amount-of-time-before-moving-on-1416251499

Missing From Me

If you watch the news or check in with social media you can see that there is good news that changes someone’s world and bad news that rocks another person’s core.   Life changes so rapidly and if you look around and pay attention you can see it everywhere.    There is death and sorrow happening everywhere and then there is new life in abundance.  Just this week, news of deaths and celebrations of new life.   News of recovery and news of life struggles.  Every one of them relatable to my own life and my heart celebrates and breaks in sympathy as I realize more and more the levels of sensitivity I have developed.   Life is always moving and it is important to relish all that is great and hold on tight through the storms.  

Grief has been such a huge part of my day to day and the void of missing Tim is an emotion that is carved into me and changed me forever.   He was such a huge part of my life, my happiness and my world that not only I am missing Tim everyday he in turn is missing from me. 

What I do know is that this is my temporary home and I will be whole again one day!  Until that day, I will be incomplete but will carry every happy memory I can with me as to not forget and honor memories of the people that have made me who I am.

Just A Dream

Lyric that have always been with me since June 28, 2013

Baby why'd you leave me

Why'd you have to go?

I was counting on forever, now I'll never know

I can't even breathe

It's like I'm looking from a distance

Standing in the background

Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now

This can't be happening to me

This is just a dream

Grief process and the long road to recovery

 I saw this today and it rang a bell of familiarity with me.

“Grief can impact all spheres of a person’s life. Some will feel angry and reject previously held beliefs, while others may find comfort in their faith or spirituality. You may experience grief not just for the person, but also for your expectations in your relationship with them that were never met.”

For me, I am finding that anger is still an integral part of my traumatic and complicated grief process.  This accident not only took Timothy physically but it took all my hopes and dreams;  it took our future too, and left me with this awful flashback of what happened to him.   I know he did NOT intend to leave me, my heart however feels like he walk out on us.   I was sitting this morning wondering how he could do that to me and then I think that sounds selfish and I get mad at myself for feeling that way.  Too many different feelings.  The day before was a good day.  Yesterday I just felt sick to my stomach and I want to crawl in a hole.  I get very conflicted sometimes just thinking about it.  I have no patience for anything or anyone.  I am realizing that much of this is a defensive to keep me from experiencing this pain again.  I KNOW it is not healthy and I will try to work every day to move further down this road to recovery.

For anyone experiencing grief OR knows someone that is, you may find this helpful.  It did for me because I thought I was crazy because had NEVER experienced most of this in my lifetime and all the sudden I did (some at the same time).

What are the physical, mental, and emotional symptoms of grief?

While symptoms vary widely from person to person, there are several physical, mental, and emotional symptoms that are commonly experienced in the grief process.

Physical symptoms include:

·        Headaches and body aches

·        Tightness in chest

·        Fatigue or exhaustion

·        Sensitive skin

·        Dizziness

·        Shortness of breath

·        Increased illness

·        Oversensitivity to noise

·        Heart palpitations

·        Loss of appetite or weight gain

Mental symptoms include:

·        Forgetfulness

·        Sleep difficulties (too much or too little)

·        Inability to concentrate

·        Confusion

·        Decreased decision-making or problem-solving abilities

·        Low self-image

·        Self-destructive thoughts

Emotional symptoms include:

·        Depression

·        Anger

·        Helplessness

·        Anxiety

·        Mood swings

·        Hysteria

Braving the coming weeks

December and only weeks left of 2014….

This is my most favorite time of year. Well, it was my favorite time of year. Hopefully it might become my favorite again some time. Usually, once the air starts blowing crisp I get excited and start thinking of ways to celebrate and decorate.  My fondest for Christmas comes from my beautiful mother.  She would make the holidays so great for our family.   When she passed from cancer the holidays were not the same and then grew tremendously better when children entered the picture.  Nothing like seeing Christmas through a child’s eyes to really understand the blessings of the holidays UNTIL I saw it through the blessed eyes of true love.  All those years of having Tim’s friendship, comfort, abundant love and protection made every holiday only another reminder of how blessed I was.  I wouldn't change anything, I just want to do the holidays with Timothy again.


My thoughts of this time of year have changed along with who I am. Drastically changed. I'm angry, streaked with envy. I feel anxious, eager to just get this all over with already!   I need not to think of next year’s battles, just about how I'll get through the current ones.   I try to find ways to do things to remember Tim, but as time goes by I feel I am the only one.   After he passed, so many reminded me he was not forgotten and now they are fewer and fewer.  

 I let myself have sad and angry moments. Then I try and force myself  to live life.  I just live with grief hanging above me like a dark cloud. Even after a year and half  it isn't getting easier...I'm just getting used to the dark cloud.

My view on life is glazed over with anger and disbelief of this new life.   HOWEVER…  I can see through the cracks of pain that there are things to be grateful for.   Most of all having the blessing of Tim’s presence in my life and experiencing unconditional love.

Here’s to the cracks becoming larger in 2015!

Timelines for grief?

The sun sets everyday and the view from where we are allows us to see it differently just like when someone loses a loved one and they experience it differently.    

I’d been taught that if I worked hard enough for anything, I could achieve it. I struggled with the notion that I could work myself into the ground, but not inch myself a step closer to my goal of having my Timothy back.

In current life, I look to spend time with people I can be myself with.  New friendships or friendships that bordered on the outer circle of friends is very much a struggle, and unless I feel instant warmth from someone, I admit to holding them at arms length to avoid letting them into my bubble.  

Unexpectedly,  I wanted people to know what had happened to me, so it would excuse my quietness at times.  The biggest security blanket I have is for people to not expect too much of me.

Now, I find myself not wanting to share much at all.  I has been 1 year and 5 months and more and more I hear things like: It is time to move on, don't be sad, don't be angry, see a Dr/Therapist, put yourself out there, live life and be happy.  Well, I hate to disappoint, but I can not at this time live up to those expectations.  It is easier to keep to myself to avoid the disappoints all around.

REMINDER:  Be patient and remember there is not a timeline for grief.  Tomorrow the sun will rise and set again and I have the opportunity to experience it differently.